Story From a Survivor

Story From a Survivor

When Sruti threw this idea about writing a column for her website, my first response was sure..... but then I hesitated... true I felt I was well on my way to forgetting and forgiving, and I wanted people to know of the injustice of our system, but then when I sat down to write, I knew where the trouble lie.
I wasn't well on my way to healing, but still struggling with the sense of injustice and betrayal, and finding it hard to put all my thoughts into words..... So this then has become a part of my healing process... acknowledging that
-I am a survivor of Child Sexual Abuse (CSA)
-I haven't forgotten and
-I still battle with the injustice of being in a male dominated society.

If I have dealt with it for 20yrs now, you ask, what's the point in dredging up all the sordid details…..especially so publicly?

To someone who has never suffered from abuse, whether sexual or otherwise, it can be difficult to understand the intense emotions experienced by abuse survivors. Feelings of shame, guilt, low self-esteem, fear of provoking further attacks, and confusion over ultimate responsibility for the abuse are just a few of the many complex factors influencing a survivor's decision to keep quiet or speak out.

I am raising my voice because I want to tell people that abuse does happen... in our very homes, as was my case... Awareness is the first step to taking precaution and protecting the ones we love.

My earliest remembrance of being abused was by my cousin, somewhere between the ages of 5-6 (age is my guesstimate, based on other memories during that period). After that it was quite common for my uncles and cousins to abuse me during different times. Being a part of the joint family was a perfect backdrop, since their actions probably went un-noticed, or it was harder to notice that I was missing. As a child, I knew there was something wrong in their touches, but for the fear of being blamed on by my family, I did not speak.
The memories though subdued in the back of my mind, started haunting me frequently as I grew up. It has been only now though that in the past year, I finally accepted that I was a victim of CSA, and I was shattered. I carried around a lot of hatred, I wanted revenge on my cousin, and I wanted him ripped apart. How easily, in the matter of a few minutes, he managed to take my innocence away.... I seethed with the injustice of it all...
All these men are even now respected among my family. My anger also extended to my immediate family for not being able to protect me, but somewhere I realized that they did not know... I hadn't told them yet.

Two months ago, I finally mustered courage and told my family about the abuse. They were all outraged. But whereas my mother and father wanted revenge and hurt for me, my brother felt helpless, and my sisters wanted me to forgive and forget. You cannot believe how much their reactions helped assuage my anger and bitterness. I was living till now with the belief that my family would put the society/community above me, that I would never find justice and that somewhere I carried the belief that I would not be believed.
I want to move on now. That would mean forgiving and forgetting, letting go of the hurt, guilt and truly make the child in you know that it wasn’t her/his fault. When I say forgiving, I don’t necessarily mean forgiving the person who committed the act, but to stop expecting retribution, revenge, and justice. I know for sure that my cousin will never be punished by law, then why was I holding on to the hope that it may happen? First of all, I have to forgive myself, because apart from the feeling betrayed, and stripped of security, I carry around unwanted guilt about not having been able to prevent the abuse.

So then I have come to this conclusion: the first step is to forgive the self and the final step is to let go of the anger and hatred. Do not give him the power of ruining your whole life. Take back your power and release your hatred, so that he has no control over you. Do not let him win. It is going to be a long process and you may never heal completely, but it will be enough to lead a normal happy life, with meaningful relationships.

Take pride in the fact that you were strong enough to survive the experience at all and then use that strength to fight back and regain control of your life, your happiness… Let the healing begin.

Shweta Rao